2:08pm: Something's Come Up
ooc:: Hey all. Something's come up, nothing bad, I swear...haha but I will not I REPEAT. Will not be here for the rest of the week, so I'm bumping Sonn'ys due date to a later time next week perhaps. I apologize sincerely, but life happens...Sorry lovelies...-wails and hugs you all good-bye-

9:26pm: Anxiety?
I don't know what it is.

I'm all jumpy and shit right now.
My mom says it's just anxiety. That I'm just anxious to have this kid out of me. I dunno. She's more than likely right. She has more experience with this than I do...

Humm...

I really don't have anything else to say except it's the 4th today. :P Only 3 more days until my due date.

Yay.

6:54pm: Mr. Warden, let me go
Here's a poem...erhh....whatever you want to call it...Anyway, I wrote it after watching 'Walk the Line' for the thousandth time...Man, I love that movie...

Mr. Warden

I feel like a prisoner in my own mind,
Everyday I beg the warden to release me,
In due time, in due time,
Please Mr. Warden, hear me,
free me,
Take it easy, you'll be fine,
I try to obey him,
Calm my aching head,
But caught I was for my sins,
For which I should be dead,
The eyes, they haunt me in my sleep,
Cold fingers grab at my shirt,
And I hear that voice, cold, low and deep,
Come join me under the dirt,
Please, Mr. Warden, let me go,
Take a deep breath, then release it,
Oh, but that rope is lookin' mighty fine,
Now I see the light being lit,
They take me away in a box of pine,
Bury me eight feet down,
Mark my lonesome grave,
There will be no one coming 'round,
Hollow eyes fill with mud,
There is no one left here to save.

Yep. Kind of dark, but what can I say?

8:11pm: Due Date?
My doctor informed me that I should be due on or around the 7th of April. Man, I'm so effing nervous. But hopefully soon, I'll be holding my baby boy.

11:29pm: Solitary
Yeah.

I don't know what to say anymore.
I haven't heard from you in a long time Gee...
Do you want anything to do with this baby anymore?

What do you want me to do by myself?

...I need to get out of here...I need somewhere to
be able to go...I NEED a way out...

please, God...please help me

12:00pm: This mark remains...
...and will never, ever go away...

I'm trying to remember the good times.
When I didn't need to feel all of this for you.
When I did feel it, but thought nothing would
ever come of my silly emotions...

I cursed my age and now I curse my bad luck...
choices...whatever you want to call it...
I'm left alone, but I'm glad you're happy.
Really, I am...I mean it now and I'll mean it
forever...

I hope you two go far...
And just forget about me, okay?
I'm serious. I feel like a complete, non-caring
idiot for doing what I did to you...and then
even after...it was bad form for me to act like
that...

I was lost...I guess I still am, but I'm glad
someone has found you. Someone who'll take
better care of you than I ever could...even take
care of myself.

I guess I was living my life by a song...
or...like Romeo and Juliet...it's the oldest story
in the book. One desires what he cannot ever have.
I messed up. I fucked up. And now I have to pay
for it by losing you totally...

I can't say this enough times...

I'm sorry Matty...

4:47pm: I give up. I'm done.

Just done.

4:44pm: Meet Me...or call me...
I want to make up for what I did and said...Please Matty...It would mean a lot to me. I want to go somewhere where we can actually talk without getting interrupted. This is the last chance...please...I went on a photography craze last night and this morning...I got ideas...

Meet me here...

Chianti
7383 Melrose Avenue
Los Angeles, California 90046



If it works...We can finish the night from there...I guess if there's anywhere to go...I just really want to talk to you...No funny stuff. Just talk. Please...I'm on my knees begging right now Matty...



Here are some other pictures I took last night...Don't ask me why. I get strange like that for some reason and 'vent' by taking pictures...Ha. Maybe I should be a photographer on the side...Or not. Enjoy everyone...They make me happy. And maybe, just maybe they have hidden meaning I didn't realize they had until they came out.













And that's all folks...

x_O

7:47pm: Pretty Much
I've been feeling under the weather...again...This sucks majorly...I tried talking to Matt...We actually went somewhere and it was decent...But then I had to open my gigantic, asshole mouth and do something ridiculously idiotic...I could try to apologize, but no matter how, it wouldn't be enough...

I'm sorry I ever hurt you Matty...You deserve a lot better than that...I'm just stupid, immature and completely fucking hormonally-challenged right now...I didn't mean anything bad by what I said or did...I'm going to think of something to make it up to you...You'll see...

I can be anything I put my mind to, but my mind is on the fritz right now...I can't hardly think. I'm trying to deal with this new-found stress with steps...Taking it all on at once would kill me; physically anyway...I feel as though I'm already emotionally 6 feet under...

Anyway...onto something a little less morbidly depressing...haha...I think :/

I took a shower last night and I noticed something...I'm getting a tummy!...Damn...I must be eating more than I thought...Didn't know I should have one of those at this point in time...but then again, I'm basically lost on the whole me being pregnant thing...I just know I am and how, but that's about it...

My dad actually said 'good-night' to me last night, but I think my mom is bribing him or something...Or, maybe he had been drinking...I dunno...oh well, it made me feel loved for a second there anyway...

I really don't know if you read my LJ anymore, but...I just wanted you to know something Matthew Good...Maybe I'm not too good with the whole telling you the way I really feel about you to your face...it's something I have to work on...and I will. I have to. But, I managed to write down a little something when sleep was evading me...I hope you like it.

Tears of Heart
You stole my heart,
Though you'll probably never know,
I wish I could end the start
of this,
Make sure I could never think
of you again,
I don't know what to do,
Will I ever have enough courage
to get me through?
Can't change my feelings,
My thoughts are reeling,
My heart aches at the mention
of your name,
There's a fire burning,
I'll keep yearning,
'Til I have nothing left for me,
They smile though they don't see,
Why can't they just leave me alone?
The fire won't die out,
No matter how hard I try,
I feel like I could break down
and cry,
And I do,
But you'll never know,
That everytime I shed
a tear,
I cry,
I cry for you.

1:33am: California Livin'
Yep. I'm back in good ol' Cali baby...

It's okay. I started talking to Matt again and I think....or, hope...everything will be fine there...I really don't want to lose him as a friend. I've known him too damned long for that...

There ARE things I miss about Jersey though

a) Having my OWN house
b) My baby's daddy...haha...don't know how much he misses me though...:/
c) Being able to say whatever the fuck I want without...-looks behind myself-...Motherlyness...

Anywho...I'm pretty much doing absolutely nothing until somebody tells me I'm needed...so, life is pretty much 'normal'...

I do hate the fact my father is basically ignoring the fact I exsist, my mother is in complete denial, but hey, isn't life grand?...oh well, they should come around...'should' being the key word there...

I never know when it comes to the parentals...They were always iffy about my whole 'I like boys, not girls' thing...heh.

I'll try and update this thing as much as possible...It's been awhile :P

5:24pm: California or busted?
I haven't written in this thing for ages...

A LOT has happened...

Yeah...

For those of you who don't know: I'm pregnant...Yeah...And I'm scared as fuck. I'm too young to be a father...a good one at that. I don't know what to do anymore.

You may call me a child, but that's what I am. I'm not ready to face this world alone, with no one to catch me when I fall.

I don't know where I'm going. I don't know if I'm staying. The doctor told me I should wait a few more days to decide because of the baby and the flu I'm getting over.

I miss my friends. I miss my family. I miss my band...I miss home, but I don't want to abandon the one I have here either...

If you are reading this...which I highly doubt you are because I haven't heard from you in a good, long while...


I miss you Matty...

5:55pm: Secret Secret
So...

I just told someone one of my darkest secrets and I'm a little nervous. I don't want anyone else to know right now, but I trust him. And his cat. :S

Thanks, you're a good listener.

That's right.

7:13pm: Rawr.
You're hot.

I'm hot.

This just makes everything better.

I love your lips.

I love your body.

I love everything about you.



<3 like woah

4:50pm: The Koala has arrived!
I am here. I am alive. New Jersey is big. Not as big as California. I don't know why I said that. I'm in a random mood. I just ate cake. It was yummy. But now I have a tum-ach ache. Hehe. Gee tried to give me a tour, but I'm a bad listener...and pay-attentioner...er...er...?

Anywho, add me! The Koala Bear has no friends. I am lonely as evah!

~SM~